All I remember is yelling at him to admit he liked Bon Jovi, then accusing him of giving love a bad name.
I was just walking down the hall and passed a very pregnant girl wearing a shirt that said "blame it on the aaaaaa-alcohol." I can't decide if she's brilliantly witty or just pointing fingers.
I just feel like I should give it a rest. I'm too old to be drinking bottles of grey goose and falling into koi ponds.
FYI, your girlfriend is on her way to the ER. She tried to balance a bottle of jack on her chest. Smashed toes, blood all over patio. Call her, kinda funny though.
I'm gonna cougar town the shit out of that prom.
And there was a legally blind kid in a ref costume doing surprisingly well at beer pong who was passing out business cards
Everyone was trying to get you to do a keg stand but you refused & instead declared you could do it yourself, crouched on the keg in your 6 inch heels, leaned over, and gave yourself one.
Hooked up with a girl in the dorm laundry room tonight. And got invited to go to Vegas for free. That's how today's going.
Just set out 2 water bottles as an offering to my hungover self.
went out to hit golf balls, ended up doing splits at the bar. you're a bad influence.
But I don't see you as the jesus riding a dinosaur with a machine gun type of guy
I just found your shirt hanging in a tree 4 blocks from the party...in the opposite direction of your house. where are you going?
How is it that I know 4 different bartenders who won't charge me for drinks, but I can't get laid?
I'm actually on the verge of cancelling a booty call because I have an early meeting tomorrow. If this is what adulthood is going to be like, I'll pass.
I had a threesome with my hot neighbor and his GF and by threesome I mean I heard them getting it on in their apartment and I was in my apartment with a vibrator
and I may have moaned his name loud enough that they heard me because now he won’t make eye contact
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