i deep throated a ruler to see what my limit was...
Did we have sex last night or did we just wake up naked covered in oil?
Blonde 1 is sitting on the floor crying and blonde 2 is asleep with her face in the toilet. This isn't what I had in mind when they asked me back
Why did you leave me a note saying 'find the canary'
Driving around Panama at 7 am looking for an open liquor store..
we were sitting on his couch watching tv and laughing at how funny the voices on the commercial were, then we realized the volume wasn't on.
Guess which frat house I just walked out of! And on a related note... guess who's uncircumsized
I think my greatest accomplishment today was probably using a bottle opener to get the cap off my fourth drink while holding the cat WITHOUT dropping him.
Oh god, what has my life become?
If there is a ladylike way to throw up in your favorite toilet, I just did it.
No sorry. I may be a happy drunk but my gag reflux is an angry drunk.
I was drunk and really grossed out when you poured cheese on me and, I guess I just freaked out.
She told me the only rule was that I couldn't cum on her Batman blanket.
Is it bad I have to get shitty ass drunk on a Monday night because I can't adult?
I accidentally gave my prayer card to the bouncer. Clearly a cry for help #saveme
Hey! you should come over!
Who is this? The number is saved as "Sexy Awesome"
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