my mouth tastes like poor choices
i really wish someone from a royal background would fuck me so i could literally say i was 'royally fucked'.
dude, there's a fucking musical in my head. it's fucking awesome being this high.
I wonder what a non-hungover friday at work is like
I mean can we take a second to high five on our sex life? I love us.
One night stand. Woke up at her dad's house. She already left for work. Shit's about to go down.
Nicee. Atleast your phone doesn't change pen in to PENISsSSSSSSS like mine does
Ok just don't go to jail. I saw your account balance. It can't take that.
Well I went on a freakin rampage and destroyed a fan and claimed that it wasn't doing its fan duties... Then I knocked on everybody's doors in the hall and asked if they were content with their fan's performance and if not I would take care of it...
Judging by the fact that he asked me if i wanted to serenade him using cocaine and Taylor Swift I'd say I so have it in the bag.
I slept with someone only because he got my Simon Birch impression. It was a new low.
we received free cupcakes at the first bar, and then I at the second bar i hooked up with a fat chick from Cincinnati on the patio.
you win some, you lose some.
So you're saying you don't want to be with her anymore because she likes sex to much and is just to hot?
Well when you say it that way it makes me sound like an idiot.
You are an idiot.
He put his SoundCloud on his Tinder bio. I felt personally attacked.
These snow days are takeing a toll on my liver
Randomize
