Dan is more possessive of me than a Michael Jackson is of McCully Caulkin
was*
True, R.I.P.
The voicemail says i shouldn't bother ever showing my face there again, i don't understand
We visited your boss last night. guess you wont be paying the rent this month, eh?
Just made a photo collage of the girls I've hooked up with this summer. I'm patting myself on my back right now
Woke up to a huge puddle of water in the living room floor, apparently I made an indoor snowman.
I'm not an expert but calling her the "hot lesbian" isn't going to coerce her into a 3some with you
And there are taco shells on the ceiling fan
Wait, is this the kid that tried catching a bat in your backyard with a flashlight and a ball of tin foil?
fat people need to stop using the handicapped bathroom stall so I can have sex in it. it's common logic
i think the title to my autobiography shall be, "a bottle of vodka and various pieces of meat"
and this is why you're my favorite gay friend.
She was bending and I said "finally, about time". Wrong, she was tying her shoe. No blowjobs for me.
I hate him. I fucked every one of his friends AND his fat brother and he still won't break up with me.
So wait. Let me get this straight lol... you... are are considering offering fetish services to "trample and own" someone for $80 in order to pay for someone to come organize ur shit? Pure genius.
I just made a drug deal 100% through snap chat
Thank you for listening to my rant about tacos.
I don't care how hot she was, she wouldn't stop singing "Shut Up and Dance", instant boner-killer.
Randomize
