2:45a: Any chance you got 3000 bucks on you?
Flying to Orlando on the 7th is cheaper than the 8th by like three margaritas.
For future reference, a lint roller appears to be the easiest way to get glitter out of a beard.
Calling yourself a modern day Geisha doesn't justify being a whore.
you set the microwave for an hour telling me that the done sound was your alarm.
we were running to make last call and you stopped me and said very seriously "if i fall, go on without me. just make sure theres a beer in my hand when you go"
if things do not go as planned you should see me walking down I81 blindfolded and pantless
After seeing how much you are able to funnel in a night, I am 90% sure your blood is pure gin.
I'm having mini little movies in my head. Like for example. You were talking to a blue whale with jazz man sunglasses, but not the ray charles jazz sunglass. More like sunglasses that are round. Anyway, he has a baguette and stupid french hat. And you , you had your harry potter glasses.
it doesn't matter, he's just a life support system for his dick
I never thought I could be this turned on by a man wearing racoon tails.
She was drunk, dancing on the table. Until the table leg completely broke off and she fell on the ground and broke her front tooth straight off. Worse news is there making her pay for the table
You're an adult now and it's your vagina. You should do what it or you wants.
I woke up to the sound of her peeing at the end of the bed at 4am.
Honestly, this social distancing bullshit is giving me a good excuse for drinking alone.
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