She just used a chaser for red wine.
Guy passed out in the lobby with a keychain sharpie hanging from his belt loop. 1 guest came in and wrote on him, then others saw and got in line. I'm not waking him up.
just started drinking the sprite you used to ice your crotch last night. Missing you already
I am literally using a balloon as a pillow on a park bench.
not the best booty call
did she squirt?
only if tears count
I'm sorry that I ate boneless ribs off of your sister, but that is no reason to drink my alcohol.
you did a full monologue with your sober self last night. different voices and everything.
And on the subject of embracing my inner whore, I had two different dicks in my mouth yesterday. Friend, it's official. I'm completely outta control.
But apparently I got kicked in the head by a stripper at some point
Your first words after putting out the flames, "how am I supposed to eat girls out with my top lip burned off??"
Yeah no more flaming everclear shots.
I am not sure which is more amazing; The fact that she offered me sex, beer AND nachos, or that she can properly use a semi-colon at her current blood alcohol level.
Do you have any pictures of me mounting animals that aren't on Facebook?
I think I have a bro crush.. When I imagine him, I imagine him waking up to go take a shower and just finding three bitches making out waiting for him. Like that awesome.
Did we kick in my basement door last night?
Yes. I think you actually bought tennis shoes specifically for that application.
It was funny for a while but 3 days later I still can't walk and I've constructed a diaper-like contraption to hold the ice pack on my vagina.
Randomize
