I gave her the chance to be interesting and she failed. So then I gave her a chance to be slutty and she failed at that too.
He belongs with you like a mcdonalds playground belongs in Chernobyl
Then he told me I had the most beautiful looking vulva
is the shake weight an appropriate valentine's day present?
She wore that goddamn strap-on all night. When she was playing guitar hero it kept getting in the way but she just wouldn't take it off.
It's sad that the best source of heat that I have is my vaporizer.
She offered to massage my back by hitting it with a sparkly purple double dildo... Bi chicks can get creepy
I just realized I haven't had a date or a potential possibility of a date in about a year. Then I realized I wanted to actually go on a date. But I'm sitting here getting high instead of being at a party. Life.
THERE IS WEED IN MY OVEN. HOW AM I EVER SUPPOSED TO MAKE CHICKEN PARMESAN WITH WEED IN MY OVEN.
You told us that you were going to become a 'new man' and threw your tv set out of a window.
What drinking game we play yesterday? Fight club or something?
I lost a bet last night, now I have to name the baby Fetty Wap, regardless of gender. Riley is going to kill me.
My farts smell like burning tires and false courage
I'm sharing a breakfast burrito w my uber driver
I made him leave to get me chicken nuggets so I could have sex with his roommate
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