So I went home with some chick last night... I'm not sue what's worse: not getting a nut at 5am, the condom breaking and not being replaced, feeling poo when I put my finger in her but, sleeping on a heroin mattress in her living room, her swine flu coughing fit at 7am or realizing she peed the matt at 10am. Actually it was probably the fact that she continuously told me she was the classiest girl in boulder.
Never name a vibrator after ashton kutcher
Just discovered Kim Possible porn. Life is now complete.
It's pretty bad that I know he's opening his door from the way it squeaks because I have snuck out of his room so many times this semester...
If I had a penis, I would stick it EVERYWHERE. I don't know what these guys are doing.
his grandma walked in on us. twice. and he was truly fucking surprised when i put my pants back on.
I found out what happened to that girls weave last night. It was draped over a bush in my backyard.
It's not like I ment to feed you the shots of vodka, my hand just kinda slipped.
I think my uterus is still laying in your bed somewhere under the covers.
I JUST DEFLATED MY BOOB.
I DON'T KNOW WHETHER TO LAUGH OR CALL AN AMBULANCE.
You may now shotgun with the bride
Jerry got outside again, i found him making dirt angels in the garden. I need to put a bell on that bastard.
Waiting on the notification from my fitness pal that tells me I'm an alcoholic
The stall at this bar had mirrors all around. I just looked at myself take a shit from like 3 different angles
kind of bad when u call a cop an asshole for driving you home from the bar
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