Ha. Yes. I'm at a strip club. I'm the barack obama of strip clubs
: I need to find myself a plastic surgeon husband so i can get boobs.
but u need boobs to get one in the first place.
I accidently shit my pants. So I tried to throw my underwear in their lake, but they floated. So in the middle of the night, I got into the paddle boat and had to throw a rock on top of them so they would sink. Next time, I just won't shit myself.
The guy in front of me in Sociology is definitely working on my farm in farmville. Never met him before. Do I thank him?
Just found out my drug dealer is also a porn star. It's a good day.
If one more "stranger" walks up to me at the bar and asks how I have been, I am going to rehab.
she added emergen-c to the bong-water bro, brilliant.
Under someone's bed. Not sure whose. I think they're sleeping in it.
Stripper with the black hair and lip rings is still asleep. Found out she wasn't lying when she said she was a squirter, it was like splash mountain.
Its not often you get to say, "The security guard at my job is my new drug dealer," but as of last night, I get to say it.
I thought about mashed potatoes the whole way home
Hahaha perfect. Let's start stopping drinking tomorrow
I have a txt file I don't remember making open on my desktop. All it says is "what it's like to be a bat"
sitting in a shitty karaoke bar playing pokemon go and drinking a mimosa. how is your sunday night
If walking through the neighborhood with a bottle of tequila and margarita mix is postgrad life, I'm okay with it
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