You should have seen the look on the cashiers face when I was buying steel reserve with a suit on.
cell reception changed and I can no longer text you from the toilet... that means I'll be texting you less often, just fyi
It's like God was speaking to me through a penis.
Ask him about a girl named Meg then give a disappointed and disapproving face.
He kept making me pretend I was his personal trainer. When I swallowed his cum he made me pretend I was drinking a protein shake. Thats actually what it tasted like.
Dude, I checked into a cathedral... I thought it was a joke, until I found a candle and a whole bunch of coins in my purse
Mango bong: no go. Guava bong: sweet flaming buddha it was delicious. I shall teach you the ways of tropical fruit trees.
I'm at home, drinking with my cat. While this is an enjoyable lifestyle, other plans are preferable.
I am debating about my sub. I am not quite sure I can be the dom he needs.
There are some things you can ever unsee. And walking in on your dad jerking off is one of those things.
At the bar, some guy bumped into you and you screamed "hey, don't touch what you can't afford sunshine!"
Someone I just met told me they were going to name their kid after me. Daylight savings is weird.
Ok well my life just seems more exciting by default because I'm dating my married boss and sexting with my ex
Just bought 2 liters of wine and frozen waffles for dinner. Is this 30?
I just wanna go home jackoff, eat chicken fingers, drink beer, play halo and go to bed. I'm sick of this shitty school, the shitty kids and having to fucking teach them.
Randomize
