dude, my own friends sent me home from a party last night. real cool assholes. real cool
I want to jerk off but my dog won't leave me alone. It's the most depressing cock block ever.
I think I breastfed the cat at some point during the night, at least that's what my nipples are saying
Just watched the couple I sit for and 4 of their friends shotgun beers like college kids. Please let this be us when we get older.
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I really hope our interview with channel 6 last night doesn't air or else my parents are gona get a first hand look at my alcohol problem
I just kept pointing at random people and telling the bartender to put it on their tab.
I don't want the last thing I hear while alive to be Jesse's Girl
He was more tolerable with alcohol in my system. I woke up to him squeezing me and telling me how he wanted to dip me in strawberry jam.
hes duct taped to the wall and we're throwing eggs at him. i love thirsty thursday.
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Is it bad to have a craving for speed? I feel like my nose is thirsty.
I'm drinking coffee out of a pasta sauce jar and eating fruit soaked in Smirnoff. I think I've hit rock bottom.
You can not love someone based on who they were when they were 9. Does he know how many dicks I've sucked since then?
so my parents definitely heard me when I was cumming last night...
Next time I say "i forgot to eat dinner, oh well" before drinking STRAP ME TO A CHAIR AND FORCE FEED ME BEFORE ALLOWING ME TO CONSUME BOOZE
Talk shit all you want but with my new knife sharpener I have a lethal razor sharp pizza cutter. Fuck with me Mario I dare you!
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