I just threw up on my dentist
I was 10 minutes late leaving for lunch today because I couldn't lose a boner. It is impossible to tuck it when your shirt is tucked in...gotta quit facebook stalking hot chicks at work
I am not hooking up with him just to see what his penis looks like.
so...dinner was kid's cuisine and a bottle of wine. i think they go well together.
imagine playing with puppies while we're drunk.
Like... we could film it and put like, "do you believe in magic" as the backround song and it would be complete joy.
I just had a librarian tell me that "wikipedia is like sex"
When he expanded on the analogy it actually made sense. "you're going to do it either way, so I'm just going to tell you how to do it safely."
In the hospital waiting to be tested for the first uti of the school year....I'm BACK BTICHES.
I need a legitimate reason as to why the microwave door is in the shower
He asked if I wanted a dutch rudder. 1.) Who says that? 2.) How exactly does one do that with a girl?
He broke into my apartment to check his Facebook again, the beer is all gone, and there's a new high score on pac man.
Last night after the bar I went home and ate a pulled pork sandwich in a bubble bath
I can't tell if I'm hungover or if my cat just knocked the lamp on my face
Who knows. Maybe the world would be a better place if more people sent their drug dealers thank you cards.
Between randomly bursting into tears and the reappearance of my lost sex drive, this break up has left me bizarrely damp.
I have mastered the art of having sex on monkey bars.
Randomize
