I was just tapping my foot in the bathroom at Penn Station just PRAYING for anonymous sex. You know how that goes.
And then I have a slight inkling that I went up to the bar and tried to order the bartender.
Hmm. I hear gunshots, car horns blaring, hear drunk white people screaming, and see about fifty status updates pertaining to the hawks. I guess they won.
The last thing I remember is pushing my way into the bathroom and dumping a 40 on him. We havent talked since.
The bet was for naked jumping jacks. And it back fired, she just laughed at all the slapping noise.
You just can't finish a sentence that starts with "I may have drunk peed in the bed" with "do you mind if I skip work and sleep here?" Anyways, yeah still drunk at work.
I told her I didn't have a condom. She then sized me with her thumb and finger and tossed me a large. Then I asked her to marry me.
He told me he felt like he was just pistol-whipped by Testicle Man.
It's 1:26 and I have already found 5 fruit flies between 3 separate glasses of wine. This is supposed to be a summer problem. Fucking global warming.
Mom and I shoplifted today. Her idea.
Retirement sounds fun.
Plus idk what to say. Like hello dapper gentleman will you pursue me in a midnight hangout where I can be choked
My skirt was too short for the church and I brought my flask to the Scrooge play. God bless us, everyone!
Oh yeah, you are a real peach except for shitting uncontrollably and bleeding out of your face.
We're lying on the pavement outside of the college. No one has asked if we're okay. I think they all understand.
It’s only loud for those who wanna get loud. The bowlers are protected.
Randomize
