Really stoned
just sent my roommate on a cheese run
OMFG BINX FROM HOCUS POCUS IS MCGEE IN NCIS!!!!!!!! most. epic. realization. ever.
That's why there are breakfast margaritas.
eat the baked goods on the counter at your own risk... i made them while i was angry and drunk so they most likely have pubes in them
I fell asleep with all the lights and heat on in the apartment with windows open, Earth Hour is lost on people like me.
There's a very real possibility that I'll wake up in your uncle's driveway.
Oh, I'm just lighting tennis balls and WD-40 on fire, what are YOUUU doing?!
If I should ask "why am I still single?" could someone please remind me of shooting mike and ikes out of my nose at the bartender last Saturday. many thanks
WHO JUST REMOVED THAT SAME BOARD IN TWO MINUTES FLAT WITH NO INJURIES, SHOES, SOCKS, OR BRA?! THIS BITCH. CRACKIN A BEER FOR DA SHOWA. BITCHES AIN'T SHIT MOTHAFUCKA
I was screaming out for people to gather the townsmen and the mayor so we could hang him
I wish I was there to have sex with you on the plane to lessen your anxiety.
That's the nicest thing anyone has over said to you.
I'M WORRY THAT MY VAGINA WILL NEVER KNOW THE TOUCH OF A MAN AND YOU ARE MAKING A MIXTAPE
I just watched this dude try to convince this girl to go home with him. She was like, That's cute, you're cute.and she just walked away. Man I'm so not drunk enough to be around this level of sad.
I mean really am I setting up a snapchat when I'm 40 so I can send nudes to my 23 yr old bf? yes, yes I am. Where is my life heading.
Sexy intern needs to have caveman sex with me
Randomize
