I told my ex i loved him and then he sent me a picture of this girl laying on his bed.
Coming down off exstacy at a church event. Resisting the urge to dance to the church hymns.
I will one day have loud vengeance sex as my revenge against you. Until then I'm just going to sit in the living room playing John Mayer while you're trying to do it.
Tis a story best told in person, it involves a golf course, police and vomit
It usually does with you
I may still return these pants. Depends how much they smell like alcohol by tmrw morning. I've already spilled once.
Well I'm 85-90% sure that he licked syrup off my body, but no guarantees...
Last night I texted her to confirm she could start designing costumes for my show this week.
That is one convoluted booty call.
We lost you in the mall, but to no surprise we found you waiting in line to sit on santas lap. You said you wanted to ask him for a pound of weed and a subway giftcard for xmas.
I'm still pretty stoned. There are mini rice cakes in my robe pocket to snack on in the shower.
Is this a drinking picnic?
Is there another kind?
I see your creepy poodle photo and raise you a shirtless elderly gentleman who looks like a yetti in cutoffs who may or may not have an ENORMOUS erection.
.... touche....
Some guy named spider just bought me 5 shots
I didn't even mind that he came early I just wanted to get eaten out and cuddle
Just had a threesome with my best friend and LSAT teacher...just checked three things off my bucket list in one night
Shit happens dude.
Shit doesn't just HAPPEN on the kitchen floor you asshole.
Randomize
