We were doing it doggy style, and I puked on the floor and started crying, he told me it was okay his cat would eat it... and if it would make me feel better we could do anal...
And they lived happily ever after....
She said you were bangin on the counters of McDonalds singing "These Eyes" at 4am
He's trying to kill me, one liver cell at a time. It's going to be a slow, but awesome death
Last night the nurse at the ER told me that she wished all her drunk patients were like me. Then she commented on my socks...
Homecoming wouldn't be the same without all the drunk old people puking on the street.
i'm sober ask me anything about the civil war
i seriously have like 9 pictures of people taking shots out of a vag on my camera....
Look, as a friend I'm asking to see a picture of his tiny dick
My nonexistent future grandchildren will one day ask me when I knew I'd lost control of my life. And now I know.
Nutrition teacher wants anything i eat or drink documented for the week including dancefestopia. Do you know the recommended daily ammount of psylicybin or MDMA?
Today I found out that my boss keeps a breathalyzer on his desk for just these sort of shenanigans
Just delivered a pizza to a holiday inn and a delivery driver from Me n Ed's walked up at the same time, we both were going to the same floor so we stood in the elevator making small talk about delivery stuff, but a small part of me wanted to deck him, stand over him and shout,"FOR THE HUT MOTHERFUCKER, FOR THE HUT!"
Jesus christ, don't start a pizza delivery gang war.
we fucked and then he hand fed me a hot pocket
I just set up a proportion to calculate how much Jolly Rancher vodka I can make with the limited amount of Jolly Ranchers I have. Finally, real-life application of math.
No. I'm home alone and 100% dickless. I hate my life.
Randomize
