Is my tampon string too long for this dress?
My doctor just informed me that my food allergies qualify me for a medical marijuana license. I get it on Tuesday. It won't help at all, but my life is awesome!
My mom's crying. That means it must be Christmas.
He found my weave.. Think he'll still fuck me Friday? And how do I ask for it back?
I started singing the national anthem on a train in London. Happy 4th of July assholes
But please don't judge me if i smell like mustard
I cannot be this high in this house. This house has so many of my secrets in its walls.
I'm at work. It's margarita night. Someone literally just shouted "MURICUH!"
God bless us, everyone.
Neil John just started open mouth kissing everyone to make sure they are safe.
It's like a booty call, except its for tacos...and you're my brother.
Everyone else in class agrees the weed smell is coming from me
You chucked an empty vodka bottle against the wall and yelled "Everyone calm the fuck down, it's just the cops." After 10 seconds of silence I looked over and saw you pissing their fountain.
Remember when we tried to have fun last time..? I got put in a choke hold and you woke up in some ones car.
I said no to friends with benefits because it was too much commitment
He asked me while we were fishing why the passion was gone when we have sex. It's official...I am the dude in this relationship.
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