Memo to self- delete texts about butt sex from you before giving my mom my old phone to use.
Pants on the Ground is the theme song of my life
Do you think most people who work at an airport Chili's can pin point where their lives went wrong?
You layed on my kitchen floor with a pile of m&ms at your crotch, said "your lightbulb don't match, is that one new?"
She was having a seizure right in front of you, and you asked, "So there's no more donuts?"
Something about getting head on stairs. I don't know.
The fact that I pulled something plastic out of my mouth after taking that shot is starting to concern me.
I have reached the state of intoxication where it is now a requirement to sit while peeing.
Good because ass is like 60% of my diet now
And then my hands went numb and no one believed me so I started putting peoples cigarettes out on them. Shitty idea i'll tell you that much
YOU DON'T JUST GET TO CALL AND SAY YOU MIGHT BE DEAD, THEN NOT ANSWER!
I like how zombie Abe Lincoln and hooking up with a girl were on your same thought process.
We smoked before the sunrise hike. I ended up eating a banana and singing Circle of Life as the sun rose over the horizon.
Yeah I'm just gonna stay here and spread my horniness to the world.
We live walking distance from the coors factory. no, we do not have a dry week.
Randomize
