i think i have two assholes
He made a note in his iPhone tonight so that he would remember that I rejected him.
I could hear his roommate in the background imitating my sex sounds...
I Just paid off the bartender to help me convince this chic my roommate's gay. This is the best cockblock ever.
The bartender laughed but the manager kicked me out when the mom conplained. There's no way my fart harmed that baby in any way
Haha o man how much you've grown. From beer bonging wine and wearing cargo shorts to well, beer bonging beer and wearing cargo shorts
Yehhhaaww I'm way ahead of you. I'm gunna get her a card that says " I'm sorry your now ex boyfriend decided to upgrade"
See what happens chris. I told u not to invite her over. Now shes on her way to jail and were stuck with two pomeranians.
he told me it was like eating gods vagina.
Kid got laid mid-party wearin a fuzzy hat with ears and 40's taped to his bear paws... wtf
I'm sitting on our balcony drunk. And in my underwear. Our relationship with our neighbors may improve.
I'm good. We walked you back to my apartment and you demanded to eat the sandwich I made for him
how did i manage to wake up with my bra on backwards?
My hairdresser won’t do keratin treatments because of the toxins, but will put ecstasy up her butt at festivals...
Played Gay Bar on the jukebox and pissed off the Republicans here. Best day before birthday ever.
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