I woke up to 30 angry texts and her Chihuahua in my room. Can you drop him off for me?
Please come pick me up? I sleep walked to planned parenthood again.
So I wake up this morning with a bottle of dish detergent and a dildo. Good call on bringing those girls from community college.
Just bought a breathalyzer and Sharpies, guess who thought of a new drinking game
Drunk me Does not appreciate a drunk, naked you kicking me off the couch at 3am. You have a bed here, you dick
Side note... I would pay good money to have witnessed the reaction of onlookers as I sprinted down Armtiage with a 15 lb bag of peanuts under my arm
I held the blackjack dealer's hand and told the old asian woman she was 'soft to the touch, but cold as ice"
I last recall trying to play piano and asking justin for drugs. I would like to think I then gracefully laid down on the couch and shut my eyes like a sleeping kitten.
I smell like a brewery and I have been drinking for 7 hours. This seems like a perfect time to tell my husband I want a divorce.
Cant leave im designed bacon maker you come here
YOu just turned down my vagina. Something must be wrong. Vegas changed you!
The guy I blew who bought us all the shots last night? I really think he's the TV guy I'm watching give the local weather. Like right now.
They weren't kidding when they said "Go Army Strong." Best sex I ever had.
We'll handle his penis the same way we handle day drinking; together.
I’ve got a sex swing and lube, he’s not going anywhere soon
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