Just bought a beer belt to complete the Captain America outfit. I will do my part as a hero of America to pass out beer to the good citizens of America.
I am lonely and I want to touch your beard
I drunk-cried for all conjoined twins everywhere the other day.
I'm starting to think I didn't bring enough liquor for this family Christmas.
It's 2 pm....
SHUT UP I CAN'T HEAR YOU OVER THE SOUND OF UKULELE AND LONLINESS
My fuck buddy is great and all, but it gets weird when she gets in arguments with her BF in the driveway
So which one of you fuckers changed my backgrounds while I was passed out to me holding a chicken like the statue of liberty?
He told me to be careful with the shrooms because he mostly had caps left. He sounded apologetic but that's the best news all week.
I danced with a french guy who licked the sweat off my neck and poured a drink on me. Not gonna lie, that shit was refreshing
He tried to buy me a drink at dollar beer night. All 3 of his credit cards were declined, so he asked me if I could cover it. Needless to say, I'm not calling him back.
There's literally not a single picture of him with a shirt on. I can't talk to him without dislocating my eye balls.
When a guy asks for your ig but you already know his blood type, social security number, & mother's maiden name.
So apparently I tried texting you last night to tell you I wasn't coming home, but all I had typed were lyrics from Evita
I just got out of a $280 speeding ticket by acting like The Big Lebowski. Seriously Jeff Bridges is the man.
Soooo you're telling me you support us groom's men giving lap dances to willing patrons?
Randomize
