hooked up with a girl who spoke elfish last night..what up 8th grade lord of the rings fantasies
I wasn't expecting a boner of this magnitude
just used clorox wipes to give myself a whores bath. hello finals week
hiding in a bush to avoid a seven dollar cab ride. cabby got out a flashlight and looked for us for like an hour. help.
he tried to do a one handed cartwheel to showoff but knocked himself out cold. fuckin jagerbombs will kill that man.
thank god we only have to drink eggnog and rum once a year. It taste like shit.
We bonded over blowjobs and stories of our childhoods. It was beautiful.
its not that I hate him, it's just that I wish his penis was attached to someone i like more
Happy birthday, you long dick monster
I remember saying to him "Fun fact! If you lie this way it's easier to deep throat!" I even judge me.
I'm so confused as to where the sexual euphemisms end and the drinking starts
How the fuck does a person bruise an armpit? I swear to god, I get the lamest drunk injuries.
Why do guys insist on chatting me up this early in the morning? I'm just like "Dude, I look like the bastard child of Einstein and a troll doll. Let me eat my Hot Pocket in peace."
I'm pretty sure male strippers are the last things I need in my life right now.
So, Kevin dropping me off at urgent care. Seems my tampon slipped out of reach. Even after he tried to get it out with some kitchen tongs.
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