based on who turned up here tonight the whole evening should just be called "mistakes i made when i was fat"
EVERY baby cries during their baptism. It's like they know from that moment on their parents are going to make them do lame things like their first communion and stuff.
so I'm in athletic shorts, a suit jacket and I'm still drunk at 6:30am at the last leg of relay for life
I'm wayyy too drunk to be in a parade right now
New term. "Find a husband" fridays. It's like thirsty thursdays, but with a dowry.
Mass texted booty calls to all the guys I've hooked up with this year to commemorate the end of the semester.
I said "have a good day officer and I'll see you friday when I get arrested for being too drunk.."
Okay wait let me power puke and then we can go dancing
Hey my results were negative. Your chlamydia train stops here. Happy hunting!
Im at that shitty point in my day where I start planning night activities while finger dipping vyvance off of my desk, you got any plans?
I just traded ecstasy for trapeze lessons...you in?
you are like the bill nye of illicit activities
I told you that you should stop drinking and you responded "Thanks for telling me how to live, North Korea!"
My life has come down to me literally sitting on an uncrustables trying to defrost it because I’m drunk alone and hungry.
"I mean like shit happens" should never be an excuse for anything
Randomize
