yea i thought the egg drop soup tasted weirdly like cum, and then i suddenly remembered what happened last night.
i'm never eating chinese again.
Pillow talk just revealed that he originally thought I was 16.
Just walked out of my apartment and came face to face with a shirtless dude playing with his balls and trying to tie his shoes.
we've got reservations. ask for the eat a bag of dicks table
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Dude she flew me 1000 miles down to see her, broke up with me 7 hrs after arrival, and kicked me out with a week left til I fly home. Thank god college taught me how to shack up
you can officially check off peeing off the 5th floor while shouting "I want to break the guinness world record for longest piss stream" off your college to do list.
She was the shot vending machine at the party. But free.
if masturbating while stoned isn't called "weed whacking" then i just don't know how to live my life anymore
This is how baked we were last night. Our drinking game: We stare at each other; first one to laugh drinks.
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Its not chugging if its just one gulp
I'm naked, I'm drunk, and I'm all up on social media right now
Let's be honest I'm gonna watch murder she wrote and eat taquitos at three am
Can we just get drunk and watch the Birdcage please I have no tolerance for straight men today
The worst thing about buying this extremely comfortable bed is that once I get a girl into it, all she wants to do is sleep. I want my fucking money back.
You will be reminded everyday when you witness my majestic mustache.
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