we should go somewhere reaaaaaal shady
Dear male population: sorry for being such a dick tease but thanks for paying for my bar tab and drunk food
I found it funny that her boobs actually kinda felt like a bag of sand. the 40 year old virgin should feel better about himself.
I just realized I turned down a booty call too. To make cheesecake. God help us all
If I had to summarise my weekend I would do so using the words "horrifying romanian moonshine"
THE MAINTENANCE MEN WERE DOWN STAIRS AND I THOUGHT THEY WERE MY MOM. I'VE BEEN YELLING 'GRILL ME A CHEESE' AT THEM FOR HALF AN HOUR
My mom just told me she would flash her tits to a cop to get me out of jail, and then we high-fived.
Whoever roofied me last night owes me a new pair of white jeans
I'm basically your average "grandpa stuck in a 28 year old woman's body" - i'm super passionate about retirement and crossing on the walk signal.
and SLEEP god I love sleep
i love how you just walk into that dealer's house every time without knocking, yet you don't even know his name
I would have rather been getting my vagina slowly waxed all day then be here.
Jamie's fucking a senior citizen and I'm eating chips and salsa in the shower at 2am, so whatever you're doing it can't be worse.
Did you throw up out the back door and cover it with paper towels?
WHY THE FUCK DOES RICKY'S BROTHER GET AN ENTIRE POT OF PASTA FOR BEING SHIRTLESS AND ALL I GET IS ARRESTED?!
Do you remember trying to eat the shower curtain last night...?
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