HOW IN THE HELL DID YOU BLOW A .24?????
We were watching I'm a celebrity get me out of here and taking shots every time heidi said HALLELUJAH, and started spraying her hair with that stupid dry shampoo shit....and we only watched the last half hour.
Sorry for punching you in the face last night. I should have known the boxing gloves were a bad idea from the start.
we found you outside the hotel room sleeping with a note next to you that said " we made sure you were comfortable, hope your friends come back soon"
She broke both of her ankles trying to jump off the balcony. it's like every time she drinks she makes even more impressively bad decisions than the last time
Just woke up next to a girl with 30 hot dogs in my bed. Vodka you win again.
On the 3rd day, she mixed sangria and orange juice and saw that it was good.
Dedication to a hook up: I had to recruit five people at the train station to help me buy a ticket from a kiosk and get on the right train in 15 minutes because I discovered that my car was stolen.
Before we rave about the healing powers of your penis, remember it nearly killed me as well.
I mean.. listen to "Put It In My Mouth" and you'll get the gist of my voicemail for you.
If a cougar buys you pizza and wants to show you her newly-won house, you have sex with her. It's the law. Just being all the man I can be dude
Like I cant decide if he's like autistic or something or just seriously cock blocks himself on purpose with this shit
It was all good until his cat started licking my nipple along with him
and please, if you feel the urge to call me crying tomorrow night, do so. i will be home bored and sober.
Next time we do shrooms i am finding an open field at sunrise and running through it and nobody is stopping me this time!
21st birthday weekend in Vegas has concluded and all I'm missing is my underwear and 'Contacts' icon on my phone home screen.
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