I think i peed on brittanys purse
everyday i am more and more thankful i can still check the no box for "have you ever been convicted of a felony?" on applications
She gave me a bj in her parent's kitchen while I ate the rest of her mom's birthday cake. Fuck. Yes.
I took a shit in your bathtub. Nothings off limits
Just got a voicemail from a guy referring tp himself "as chest hair guy". If I'm coming home to a intervention I understand.
Yeah it'll definitely be worth it. Not having syphilis all the time you know
I'm currently looking through google images of circumsized penises and realizing how vital pre-marital sex is.
My mom just asked me if I can obtain a fake ID by thursday
The annual Father's Day Wake and Bake has been canceled due to lack of hustle.
ill be home in an hour. Be in my bed ready for disappointment
YOU LEFT MY FUCKING BRA OUTSIDE OF YOUR HOUSE AND NEVER TEXTED ME.
I kinda wanna drive through the Gator bar parking lot and seeing if my panties are on they ground, they should be right next to my pride...
Not sure, she said after cussing out the dentist they called security. Make that the first person I know 86'ed by a dentist.
don't worry, i'll dog sit again, the barking made the sex better, its like he was cheering for us, we were just THAT good.
If you fucking touch my phone and text people, drunk or sober, ever again, i will shove a swizle stick up your pee hole.
Randomize
