somehow in between the body shots the bong hits and trying to convince the 7-11 lady to let me fill up my vodka bottle with cherry slurpee. i misplaced my car.
once he started yelling at me in latin, i wasn't sure what we were fighting about anymore...
Party in the USA is so catchy!
Yea, so is AIDS.
you wore rainboots all night because you said the forecast called for wine spillage
I don't remember what happened but judging from the contents of my pockets it had something to do with potatoes and glo in the dark condoms
I caught him with his head in the spinach bag this morning. He was laughing demonically saying, "i love spinach, yes I do."
I spent half an hours grinding with a drunk Harry Potter cosplayer at the con rave. Pretty sure I felt his wand.
She complimented my boobs and then told me I smelled like teddy bears before falling asleep on the floor.
fuck Derek. I choose weed. weed isn't angry and would never ask me to be someone I'm not.
2014 decided to stick it to me one last time. Right up the ass.
Are you the reason I woke up without pants?
We watched playoff games and fucked so we could both see the TV. I've now found true love.
Holy shit, we're married as fuck.
Ever had one of those went so hard last night you woke up at the foot of the bed naked wondering where your phone ended up?
I rewired his car so that every time he hits the gas the horn and the OnStar turn on every time he hits the brake the panic alarm goes off.
Randomize
