God is so good, I would give him a blow job right now.
She acts like you when your on meds
She acts like batman?
He's warming up to shark week, by only eating fish and drinking vodka, and all the time he keeps yelling "death to the seals!"
The cop refused to sing with us, even though he was as happy as we were that the tow truck finally showed up.
Her face is stuck to the frozen jager bottle. I think shes ok with it
woke up this morning with a big mac and chips on a plate, coke in a glass and a knife and fork AND NAPKIN waiting for me in front of my computer. PORN WAS ALREADY PLAYING. I LOVE DRUNK ME
I'm not sure any amount of coworker judgement will keep me from eating oatmeal with dinosaur eggs.
Just be happy that you're the pretty friend. Otherwise you would have had to walk home alone, like me.
I literally used, "MY VAGINA IS TOO FANTASTIC FOR HIM TO STAY GAY" as a valid argument for attempting to fuck my gay friend.
My mom just made me promise her that i'll care about the next guy I sleep with
This summer has already been like the best summer ever. FREEDOM IS AWESOME. GOD BLESS AMERICA AND GOD BLESS THE SINGLE LIFE.
Just when I decided to go get a taco and a blunt cake it starts raining. Coincidence? or divine intervention?
😂😂😂 what are we doing to these poor guys?!
Maintaining the status quo.
I LinkedIn messaged people about jobs when I was blacked out
Had to clear my browser history. I figured if she used the search bar and her name came up, it might be a little creepy.
Randomize
