I love how my brain works. It's like being on drugs without the costly upkeep.
I just went in my fridge and said to my turkey "see you thursday". I seriously have issues
there is a time and a place for ass-grabbing and that was not it.
I think this girl gave me a handjob thinking that I would help her with her cell phone bill
omg. that's awesome
My bed is full of blood and feathers
Yeah I was thinking something along the lines of "I almost died, lets celebrate with sex. Come over"
We're making a scrapbook of dick pics, you want in or what?
I'm worried about how taking care of my mom's dog while being on acid will go.
Im not sure if the cops that just came are strippers or actually cops
How do you get the "hangs out with drunk assholes" insurance
Quickly hiding the condom wrappers, ropes, and handcuffs right before the parents arrive to help with moving out? Priceless.
Get here now. There’s a guy dressed as Captain Morgan handing out miniature bottles of Captain Morgan.
You’re sleeping on my couch so you’re not making dick appointments tonight
Uber southern baptist grandma and uber flaming cousin just got into an argument about whether jesus is OK with gay marriage. Aren't these things only supposed to happen at Thanksgiving?
So... my daughter's new girlfriend Is the daughter of the girl I dated on and off in college Who ran away because she got pregnant at my house party. My Legitimate daughter Is probably fucking my Illegitimate daughter...
Randomize
