if you wake up with plaid pants on your floor in the morning, you made a bad decision.
I just got invited to go home with a married couple...
While she was crying about breaking up, he looked at her through his fork and said "of course she's upset, she's in jail." Having sex with him tonight.
The guy drove to our house at 6am to sell us weed. Now that's customer service.
There are the 2 BIGGEST tools by me-- at our table. I hate them. But they're not ugly and I may make out with them later. And hate myself. Definitely hate myself.
I'm home with mono, wearing knee high socks, shorts, a stained old shirt, and a surgical mask. He comes over ANYWAY with soup, a gas mask, billions of DVDs, and eats me out. He's either stupid, whipped, or i'm just THAT good.
I called her new haircut "lesbian progressive" and now she's upset
I feel as though the word "tired" has become synonymous with "too high to manage the stairs" lately
It's four o'clock and my 60yo aunt's tits have already made an appearance and there is a dildo traveling around the room periodically assaulting family members. Strangely I am thankful.
But the guy you're fucking should not be within ten pounds of your weight when you're five fucking feet tall and he's 6'2". That's all I'm saying.
She was way too drunk so I dropped her off at her house and smoked a huge blunt with her mom.
I have got to move on from this "sleeping with every drug dealer I meet" phase.
The fact our science teacher from high school was buying us drinks and hitting on me doesn't matter.
I think I'll shower sitting down. That seems safe.
On a scale of 1 to 10 how good of an idea would it be to pregame at the airport right now
Ten
Randomize
