I was in the bathroom and her cat just looked at my penis with a profound hatred.
would you ever date a girl who drove an 89 Chrysler LeBaron? - for the record it's a convertable
we just got in the car and birthday sex is playing
that is a sign the 3 of us should have a threesome
we agree. completely
i tried slipping money on her dresser whenever she brings guys home hoping she'll start to question her goals in life... i think its only encouraging her
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Your drunken mistake is coming over to see if she wants to buy any of our furniture. I know youre desperate, but try not to fuck her, without a condom, for a fourth time, while shes there.
I had a great time except for the part where you called another guy, told him you were in a cab - not on a date - and that you'd meet him at a bar in 15 minutes. but besides that it was awesome. Next time capping you at two glasses of wine
I'll even give you a complementary welcome blowjob.
You were face down in the punch bowl, humming the theme to jaws
That explains the stains on my shirt
it says 'tasty bitch' in sharpie on my tits...
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you stuck pieces of bread to your face with peanut butter and asked if it looked like you had a facial yeast infection.
ohhhh that's why they asked me to leave...
She shoved a hot dog in my pocket and started grinding on it.
I swear to god he's making pineapple onions and cheese. He thinks he's making eggs onions and cheese
I just had a spiritual connection with my sweater and did ballet in the hallway. Alone. I'd say we're gonna chalk that up as a win for marijuana and call it a night
I just need some of your time and all of your body.
And, by “make you dinner” I mean “have lots of sex and multiple orgasms.” So you should probably eat something and before you come over
And hydrate too
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