The weird kid in front of me is reading an article titled "why don't i have a girlfriend?" the article then continues to talk about the mathematical equation for obtaining a girlfriend. exhibit a of why he is single
Just toasted a glass of brandy with my own reflection to my dimples. Why are you not here?
His hands were made for my vagina.
I understand that I gave you a nose bleed with a cheeto last night and for that I apologize
MISSING: One left eyebrow. Reward if returned.
Blow job bear ended up in my bed last night. She didn't live up to her costume.
Haha I haven't even had my interview yet and I'm already trying to fuck my way to the top. 'Merica.
Yeah even if I got stabbed it would be worth it
I'm still pretty stoned. There are mini rice cakes in my robe pocket to snack on in the shower.
There's a baby in the strip club. I say again: THERE'S A BABY IN THE STRIP CLUB
My dad called me in the middle of the night, drunk on vodka, asking for references on the Irish alphabet.
We need to get walkie talkies for when we're drunk so if we are at different parties or lost we can talk
in your professional opinion, what's the most elegant way of saying "sorry I spent all night flirting with you, I thought you were gay" ?
Of course my parents remember you. You showed them your tits
I never thought I'd be on my couch watching Star Trek, getting my tits rubbed while crying.
Randomize
