I wish your couch was made out of beer. I would drink like half of it.
So I ate yogurt with the back of my toothbrush. I feel like I've officially been initiated into college.
Friend I haven't seen in almost a year just IMed me to let me know that my mom stuck her boob out the window on the freeway at her.
Her mom responded by mooning my mother. I really don't know what's worse.
2 bagels in my tummy and my herpes on my mind
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Don't worry we didnt bang. Sometimes I just bring guys home so I don't order pizza.
I tried to tell him I love him but it came out something like "We're both fucked up and it works."
she texted me out of nowhere. and I wanted to get drunk. like I didn't even have her new number until 6 hours ago and bam we were rolling around drinking cotton candy vodka from the bottle she had stuffed in a boot
Today is definitely a "stand over the toilet and pee through the opening at the bottom of my boxers" kind of day.
I guess the silver lining is that having a big dick really comes in handy when you're hungover.
It's a mixed blessing.
I need like a hormone stopper. Or a chastity belt. Or like a lady business alarm that goes off when I'm being too drunk.
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Couple of things: my nipples are blue and knowing that at some point I'm going to have to poop is incredibly terrifying
Had sex in a cemetery last night during a thunderstorm. I feel like my goth points have skyrocketed
The bartender has no bra and is giving out free shots. Call mom I'm getting married.
The owner was showing me around and pointed at one of the bars and said "this is the one you're allowed to dance on. I could tell you wanted to ask." DREAM JOB.
You drink too much. You cuss too much. You have questionable morals. You're everything I've ever wanted in a friend.
He described his sex dream about me using only emojis
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