Wow anytime a scalper has i need tix written on the back of a franzia box thats a trusted seller
so i walk in and shes blowing her vag with a hair dryer. so i asked what she was doing, she said heating up supper.. come eat ;)
i'm so jealous of you right now.
I'm full of awesome ideas
Yesss you are. Im full of confusion. I keep finding peanut butter on my legs...
It's one of the many facets of my drunken alter egos. I'm like substance abuse batman.
Either I got the clap, or I masturbated with soap while I was sleeping.
Moral of the story: If you're gonna throw a glass of wine in a guy's face, don't do it in your own kitchen.
I just wrote "where Jason is" on the screen. He guessed "hospital" correctly.
I think your dick broke my retainer, I normally wouldnt care but my orthodontist died and I don't want my first appt to be blow job broken retainer with a new ortho.
Why were you eating a hot dog in the bathroom at 230 am?
My roommate was sleeping, I thought it would be rude
I'm gonna go to bars and pick up women hopped up on democracy.
She mentions her boyfriend one more time, I'm taking her home and breaking that shit up.
I'm at a loss. By loss I mean singing songs from Wicked and pretending I'm at the Oscars
You know the rule about how you feel bad for getting food and not offering other people you're around, does that apply when you eat burger king at a strip club?
so i put my jacket on last night that you wore last weekend, and reach inside the pockets and find them full of goldfish...
the snack that smiles back:)
I'm hung over and my mom made me go to church. I feel like such a sinner.
I need an aspirin and some dignity.
Randomize
