if any two of us come back from the bar and aren't getting laid we will systematically destroy everything in the kitchen
Ooooh. That's not a mole. Uncomfortable.
By the way, her vagina was so tight i was worried that i would be stuck forever
Jon thought he was that blonde chick from Three's Company when he was shrooming
You know whats not fun? Making yourself throw up on a sand dune at 4 in the morning.
Annnnddddd this chick is using a hand puppet made of a sock to give her research presentation...
We're already drunk. 4 hours to go still. And there's a bear advisory. TOP WEEKEND.
Would it be inappropriate to do a science fair project on whether the type of drunk a person is is determined by nature or nurture
dude you're not even a fucking science major
just saw a sign in the bar that says "no more naked fridays". Where the fuck was I on these naked fridays?
There are many penises to be discovered and claimed tonight
We're like Lewis and Clark
My balls are resting on a block of frozen cheese in a sealed bag
How hot? Like... how many hemsworths?
You rolled over grabbed my crotch and said "that's my waffle." I'm sleeping on the couch next time.
His sister gave me the "if you hurt him I will break your neck" talk. I didn't know how to tell her we're not a couple.
they gave me money. the money smells like weed. also they gave me weed
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