What are you doing?
High. Watching Billy Mays infomercials...
That guy could sell me cancer.
When he came he sounded like a flock of birds hitting puberty
I mean we havent seen each other since december and then bam its cinco de mayo and were having sex under a life guard tower taking tequila shots between each position. no big deal
My 10 year old son gave me a bottle of jameson for fathers day. Did you have something to do with this?
Thank GOD those kids were having a lemonade stand, I didn't have anything to wash down my plan b with.
He left me a five minute voicemail apologizing for chasing me with a meat beater. I'm actually not sure what that means.
Clusterfucked is a frowned upon word in work related emails
Aaaand my life has been reduced to whether I can reach to flush my puke down the toilet using my foot. The answer is yes.
I created a new solo drinking game. You need a handle, a laptop, and a shitty internet connection. Start watching the fort video in the que, play the snake while the videos constantly load, and take a drink everytime you fuck up. There was a video of a an asain female Justin beiber impersonator full screen when I woke up.
He thinks he's a sex addict. Just. My. Type.
So many people have told me I have great tits tonight, I'm unstoppable
How much glitter would I have to ingest in order for a "magnificent" amount to appear in my ejaculate?
Just packed vodka and spare underwear into my purse- totally set for watching the hockey with him tonight
we found her on the beach half naked talking to a palm tree
Which half?
Don't ask but i need a priest, a calzone, a litre of gravy, and exactly 7 oreos
And a bag of nachos
Randomize
