Yo, my girl thinks she's pregnant, so I've got a DD for the wedding. Sweet.
I'm watching Intervention to get pumped up for tonight
winter break is gonna be like a weird mixture of rehab fat camp and holiday cheer.
Im really high right now and the vending machine is broken and giving out free candy. Please kill me, my life will never get better than this
you are getting stockholm syndrome from your pubes
I think he just caught a duck in mid flight
That hot guy i showed you guessed my exact bra size. I want to have his tan babies.
I'm wearing too many socks to be ok with this.
After a roaring rendition of Jay-Z's "99 Problems but a bitch ain't one" I ended up making her cry on her birthday.
The international association of gay square dance clubs had a booth set up in the lobby of my hotel.
I don't think this guy is worth it unless he's a skilled sexual amigo
My roommate told me he found me naked in the shower puking and when he asked why I was naked I said "you can't wear clothes in a shower"
I've decided to take one for the team and bang the landlady for lower rent.
Sometimes I look at her and just start choking. She is that much of an evil entity.
my goal is to never have a bac of 0.0 the whole time while in the state of florida, which means i have to chug a beer before i cross the state line
Randomize
