there is a puppy in the bar... no really i didnt steal this one
i bought a pregnancy test with dimes. Is that trashy?
Just saw a woman walking a golden retriever and a vacuum down the road. I miss downtown.
I feel the need to send all my exes pictures of penises larger than theirs. Because they all must suffer.
We just set the fire alarm off with a fog machine. What's my first instinct? Finish my drink. I think I handled that correctly.
For Valentine's Day I've purchased six lighters and I'm decorating them for him. I'm on a full ride to an art school and this is what I'm using my talents for. An intervention is needed. Please stop letting me date stoners.
I'm pretty sure I'm the first person in the history of this college to rollerblade their walk of shame.
Literally too hungover to clean. I'll get the frosting off the table tomorrow, ok?
In other news I think my vagina is sunburnt
It's the third day of class and I got told I smell like a distillery.
Well. I had to explain to my niece that the word cunt is not an abbreviation for country. I'm the best aunt in the world.
Just threw up in a baggy on the airplane. The guys next to me clapped and bought me a jack and coke.
Livin the dream
They kept freaking out that you were missing and potentially having sex.. like it was a bad thing. Got fed up with hearing it so i just yelled "ITS HER BIRTHDAY AND SHE CAN FUCK IF SHE WANTS TO!" They gave me unnecessary looks. I thought it was acceptable.
I'm naked, eating straight Nutella, and listening to "Make you feel my love" on repeat. So no. He didn't ask me out.
His mom just pulled off a quadruple cockblock. I'm not sure if I'm mad or impressed?
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