He started yelling "fuck the environment" then puked all over the baby trees
you were so drunk when the pizza guy got there you told him that you didn't have any money and would trade him the pizza for 3 Porno movies and he totally did it. I may never have to pay for pizza again
She didn't know my name but she knew I was Canadian so she just called me Canada. It sounded like the national anthem when we were fucking.
Speaking of morons, I just found half a Subway sandwich in the bathroom drawer You or your brother?
85% positive I just found a hair of a certain variety wayyy in the back of my mouth between two teeth while flossing.
I'm sorry for coming into your work place and trying to smuggle you out in my purse.
Does anyone know why "math wizard" is written on my arm?
Side note... I would pay good money to have witnessed the reaction of onlookers as I sprinted down Armtiage with a 15 lb bag of peanuts under my arm
you were like "guys ... i think i got fingered while dancing tonight"
our poor poor cab driver
I knew I was in trouble when she kept referring to the next day as things we should do
So you brought her to my house and left her on my couch.
well one of us has to be wrong and it's not going to be me
wanna come over? I have movies.
sure, what movies
porn or disney, your choice
He ripped down his Kate Upton poster while we were having sex last night. Im gonna take that as a good sign.
You drunk? Cause I have a terrible idea...
I don't know how to say "Sorry I was banging your boyfriend before I knew about you but you're awesome and we should hang out." without just saying it.
Randomize
