I just barfed on his mom.
You told him you were too drunk to meet his parents. Totally his fault.
Sundresses, hats, and big glasses. That is the greatest trick the devil ever taught women.
She asked to borrow my chapstick then said "I promise I won't get herpes on it"
The old woman next to me on the el smells like cupcakes...but she doesn't taste like cupcakes
Btw, I'm really high so I apologize if anything I say gets translated into arabic.
Street performer on bourbon st just lifted a sewer top so I could puke down it. I love New Orleans.
I went out in the middle of the night to smoke my weed.. Didn't realize my dad was sitting on the patio doing the exact same thing..
I am intoxicated and cannot bring you a burrito. However, if you want to bring ME one...
In an unknown location. With a giant marshmallow stuck to my back. Hello breakfast.
sex on the stairs. not our finest idea.
As long as you don't want to make a shrine out of my eyelashes It's all good
My liver is fucking rocky. Get knocked down 7 times and gets up 8. World champ
Rage-masturbating and then crying myself to sleep. Welcome to Wednesday.
I'm sorry I pissed in your bedroom and then woke you up when I tried to jump off the balcony
How is it that on the one day I'm just moving my car at 6:30 I get the walk of shame looks but when I come home at 9 am in a torn dress holding heels old ladies smile at me?
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