You know the @ sign on twitter? i wish there was one of those in real life so that the smokin' hot guy at the bar would know the slutty unbuttoning of my shirt was directed @ him, not @ his friend who looks like Mickey Rourke post-face melting
I have one thing to say: spongebath.
I wish that wasn't all you had to say. And by that, I mean I wish you hadn't said that at all.
i told him to take shots to cure a hangover and he told me i was "walking the steppingstones to alcoholism"
She just used a turkey baster to transfer alcohol from the glass to the bottle. Just thought you should know
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Well the nurse forgot to take all my stitches out, so my surgical tools are peroxide, kitchen scissors, fingernail clippers, a pocket knife, and 11 beers. Let's do this...
you act like breakfast cereal isnt an entirely appropriate chaser
You're just horny.
Yea, and? I appreciate you as a person too if that helps.
Russians do not operate on the same level as the rest of us. hoping I wake up tomorrow
Was in the middle of a keg stand, the frat guys dropped me, and I broke my nose. My mom didn't enjoy that call from the hospital.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I have to be more responsible. I've dropped three lighters into my bong today.
I have to call my new boss to accept the job offer so you have pack the bowl while I pretend I'm a responsible adult THEN we can get high
Stop acting like the Lucky Charms you're feeding people is actually ecstasy.
With great boredom comes great irresponsibility.
Please tell me you're not on their roof again..
We had sex to Hey Arnold, Rugrats, and All That. I feel like my life has come full circle.
I thought I was at a rave until the paramedics started chasing me. You win again tequila.
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