I either just heard my neighbors having sex or she really agreed with whatever he was talking about.
She told me I was starting to look like a mermaid with herpes and I needed to stop it.
I woke up at 4am on the couch with half my clothes on. And by half my clothes I mean my earrings.
I wish I could put booze in boobs and store it for later. I wouldn't need a flask. For $7000, they should do amazing things like that.
I need a horse. I don't think you can get a DUI on a living creature.
basically theres shrimp everywhere. splattered on the walls, in the carpet, its bad. ohh theyre never gonna get the smell out.
Is it mean that I just sent him a pic of my tits with the header, "say bye bye?"
My right arm is handcuffed to my leg... Please help.
You were crying because you hate wine coolers but you really wanted to prove you could finish it
Oh and I'm kind of in the library.
Waiting for the foreign guy who keeps staring to make his creepy move.
being single and having a boyfriend 300 miles away is eerily similar. never skipped a beat eating hot wings in my bed with no pants or masturbating every day.
Oh, that was the alley that I ate a pine cone in.
If I were better looking, this would be the point where I'd resign myself to stripping.
Hungover. No words. Just memes.
i came so much i feel like i were to try again, only dust would come out. and maybe glitter
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