I'm sad your dog died... Her name is my stripper name.
Don't upload the drink o meter to your google calendar. Somehow binge drinking looks even worse with a time stamp.
what's the name of the guy at the bank you blew to get the lower interest rate?
um. wrong number, but good luck with your loan
We're gonna go drive around campus and throw water balloons at all the drunk bitches wobbling around, wanna come?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
So aparently telling your roommate you're going to spoon them so hard in the public place of their employment is inappropriate
Things were easy when he was just a penis. Now he's a penis with feelings.
You were visibly distraught that my boyfriend and I didn't have sex in your bed. You forced us to take your condoms.
You kept trying to get the girl i brought home to hook up with you by enticing her with 12 baconnators you brought home
You also thought the cure to hiccups was drowning yourself (and you were right)
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
He asked if I was going to squirt out my bday candles. I'm glad the perversion doesn't stop for special occasions.
I danced with a french guy who licked the sweat off my neck and poured a drink on me. Not gonna lie, that shit was refreshing
Peanut butter and whiskey is not a dinner
One less thong to worry about.
One less *thing! But probably that too.
I have 35 pounds of pennies. Need any?
I'd like to thank Vicodin for getting me through family thanksgiving once again.
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