In honor of tonight, my penis will make an appearance
i already hear my dad disowning me
i was out of cigarettes so i took the butts out of the ashtray, emptied them out, and proceeded to roll one big Frankenstein cigarette.
I seriously think I have a tan line on my stomach from getting a boner while in the taning bed.
Went to use to bathroom and walked in on karaoke. Two girls singing "a whole new world" to each other in the shower. I'm gonna miss this place in the summer
the "its better than getting an actual virus from an actual porn star" argument failed.
Road construction signs are deceptively heavy
I'm here to help build your repertoire of drunken shenanigans and I should have been arrested stories
His daughter is our waitress. I left her a ten dollar 'I'm sorry I'm a whore and fucked your dad' tip...
Well it's 2pm. Time for another game of "Who, What, Where". The game where you try to guess who this girl is, what happened last night, and where'd your shit go. I'm going for 1/3 today.
That's better than I've done so far.
Well I checked the bush outside his apartment building this morning, and he wasn't there... So I knew he was home.
Just rolled up to a matinee showing of THE HOBBIT. At the dollar theater. Alone. In sweats. With a fifth of sunnybrook and leftover pizza in a ziplock. There's a dude here in cape with his elderly mother. I'm handling this breakup FIIIIIINE.
I wish our county sheriff had a comment section for their mugshots.
ABOUT TO MAKE THE BIGGEST MISTAKE OF MY LIFE, SEND HELP
Have fun and good luck.
Sometimes I just take my boobs out of my shirt so they can get some fresh air
Randomize
