where are you?
in the room with the baby pig
k im coming soon
the only girl from my high schools graduating class coming to our school next year went stag to prom and still has braces...
dibs.
Welcome to texting with Mike. You're now leaving the sober section and headed to our insanely high bad decision making portion of mike. Enjoy the trip.
Were at her birthday dinner and her dad keeps buying me shots saying when I was your age I fucked the shit outta girls
Hahahahahaha remind him your dating his daughter
Yeah. Rock bottom was him passing out and saying "are you putting a condom on me?" and me covering his mouth and saying shhhhh
Woke up in her bed this morning with a half used condom stuck to the side of my face
How can a condom be "half used"?
We got the DJ into it too! "If there are any dudes into other dudes out there, my man mark is looking to get pounded. Buy him a drink stat!"
I think I'm going to give him a welcome back to single life blow job
I'm hoarding IKEA meatballs in my purse
Ate his Chinese food and drank his beer and played with his chihuahua. All while wrapped in a towel while he was sleep.
I just chased my hot mailman down the street to ask him out and now I am 98% positive he gave me a fake number.
Being an adult can't be all bad. I just took a vacation day solely to sit around and get stoned
Did I tell you he put a lobster carcass on his dick?
That girl is like a master class on how to be an unlovable crazy person.
I deleted your number after I found out you gave my brother head for drugs.
Randomize
