I'm at a Mexican Walmart. Wish you were here.
In all seriousness though I just found out the dog pissed in my bed it'd be nice to crash somewhere other than my couch while my piss soaked bedding is in the washer
Just farted in public and tried to sniff it all up before anyone noticed...do you think that actually works?
She touched you, you're now contaminated for 48 hours. Please watch out for rashes, hives and STDs as she's known to have all three.
Wow, So this kid just walked into class, yak'd on his lab partner then runs out. Class is now cancelled. I gotta find this kid and Thank him.
i'm duct taped to my bed with a condom in my hand. something went wrong
is it possible i asked you to give me a preliminary pap smear?
So for future reference.... it's a little unnerving when I can't get hold of you, and the last communication we had was, "Oh fuck... It's tequila"
And you will no longer be getting a thank you note from my vagina
OMG THE KID WHO TRIED TO MAKE OUT AT THE BAR WITH ME IS SITTIG NEXT TO ME IN THE AIRPORT. WHY LIFE WHY???
I'm smoking in a kimono on the couch. Bring me gin.
Trust me, I'm a professional lesbian.
I woke up and found my apartment really clean, appearantly drunk me couldn't tolerate living there anymore and left sober me a lot of insulting post-its...
I'm glad I didn't see Grandma stumbling drunk and peeing herself...it would be like seeing my future.
Any who, I expect to be showered with roses apon my arrival
How about beer and nachos?
A fine substitute!
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