he broke up with me so i peed in his bed
I just saw a 3 year old try to break out of a daycare by driving a big wheel at full speed into a metal gate. Today is going to be epic.
I just farted. And everybody around me is looking at the fat girl to my left. I win.
Ever since I discovered that youporn works on blackberry, my brickbreaker skills have gone to shit
High enough to fry lime slices.....tasted like shit, by the way
i feel sorry for the hotel staff that makes the bed after we have sex
what's with the bloody hand print on the hood of your car
Everyone here knows my boyfriend as "Half Baked". Life, he's doing it right.
The sweaty, naked apartment dance party wasn't complete until I threw the whole jar of glitter on us. It was like the icing.
The oven caught fire. I put it out, but called the fire department just to make sure it was okay since the smoke wasn't going away
You just wanted to meet firemen
We banged in my car doggy style with my head out the window. The sky was marvelous and I saw a shooting star. Its destiny; we're meant to fuck forever.
Just remember, the Browns have more wins than Ronda Rousey this year.
Some days, I wish I could get a hug from a furry muppet
It took like and hour to get him in me and then he came in like 2min. Size aint everything
I think I just received the most dignified proposition of my life. From the father of the bride. Who'd have thought.
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