I feel like our bond as friends is a lot stronger now that I've talked to you on the phone while having sex.
If it makes you feel better, you're better at taking it in than ass than she is...
Well...yeah actually, that does make me feel better
the quote on the bathroom wall was "stop reading this and focus on peeing" and i realized i'd peed on the seat.
I'm going to an arts college, I live next to the frat houses, and my room number is 420. god has plans for me and I couldn't be happier.
You left me on the phone while you grabbed a plastic bag and started puking. I recorded it. Its my new ringtone for you
The Russian stripper asked if I like foreign girls. I told her I absolutely fucking hate accents. Most awkward 7 minutes ever
Just walked into a random hotel for the free breakfast. How was your night?
Yeah. I had to take off my shirt. It's soaked in weakness.
I walking on her passed out on her bed, clutching a burrito and the walking dead dvd on replay.
If I got to choose how I die, it would be in an Olympic sized pool of gin and tonic.
Is it a bad thing that I've made out with everybody I work with?
I wish I could be happy with a nice Christian girl, but no, I need a hot mess who starts bar fights
I learned a very valuable lesson tonight...don't touch a cops tazer
Reason # 294827284949272 i could never be a cop. I would just shoot. All the time. Ppl. Animals. Inanimate objects. Air.
For future reference: When the bouncer is approaching you to remove you from his bar, you don't respond by taking off your pants.
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