A little boy walked by his parents room one night, looked through the keyhole, and said "and that bitch tells me to stop sucking my thumb!"
We walked into the bar in The Flying V formation from The Mighty Ducks. We were ready.
I've come to realize time passes slowest when I'm sitting in class, waiting for microwavable foods, working out, & giving head.
My goal of the day is to not shit myself. That's it. Setting the bar real low
He passed out naked in my bathroom, then took a shower, then passed out again and then took another shower. Last time I let my brother visit.
If I had cancer, and got to make a wish, id make the organization force your dad to fuck me.
the upside of dating someone over 21: he can buy me a pregnancy test AND a bottle of wine when he goes to cvs for me
Dude best one night stand i woke she was cleaning our fridge while waiting for the cab to show
I sent two dick pics to a wrong number and one was in .gif format so it was helicoptering all over the place. I single handedly ruined a child's life.
WHY ARE THERE SO MANY BURPS IN MY SMALL, INCREDIBLY ATTRACTIVE BODY
You were sitting in a chair and you said "I just feel like a little fishy, floooooating through the ocean, so pretty"
This is possibly the most humiliating moment of my life. I have diarrhea, in a port-a-potty, at the Renaissance Festival.
May the power of my ass compel you!!
First poop in my apartment for the summer, officially settled in. :)
It just so happens all of their names are Ryan, so I never have to change whose name I moan.
Randomize
