your drunk exhusband is tryin to get with my drunk exgirlfriend. i think its funny. if you still talk to him dont say anything.
we're not divorced.
This martini tastes like the bartender stirred it with his foreskin.
some guy just walked up to the bench i was on, backflipped off of it, gave me his number and walked away....i love this city
i just realized i put more money and effort into 420 then i did for christmas
I couldn't walk, so he carried me all the way home; and then I told him that I wasn't drunk enough to fuck him. Poor kid.
Good lord, they've set up every firework to be ignited by a trail of gasoline at midnight. God save us all.
No, listening to the fray and drinking a bottle of jack daniels does not count as counseling
we have to top last new years. except im not ready for jail. that can wait a couple years
I opened my door to find him standing there with vodka, McDonalds, a smile and a hard-on. Of course I let him in.
Dude. I am seriously trying SO hard not to be amused by Honey Boo Boo. But the fact is, she just got a mani pedi with her gay uncle Poodle, and he got a discount because he only has nine toes, and I am ALL IN.
I love spring semester, so many high school girls visiting that think I'm the sexiest man alive just because I'm in college
Aren't you gay?
IT'S NICE TO FEEL WANTED DON'T RUIN THIS FOR ME
I may or may not have told him that he's "the only one with a PHD in this pussy"... I should like direct cheesy porno flicks or something.
Just used the handle end of a spatula to get the baggie of coke wedged between my passenger seat. Innovation points?
It's not even 8pm on a Friday and I've already got a guy to tell me how big his penis is. Watched anything good on Netflix lately?
You lost to your mom AND grandma in beer pong last night. pretty sure that constitutes a retirement from the sport
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