here I sit at Southern Illinois' finest pubs and I thought I heard your laugh. I was sadly astonished to turn and find a midget cracking herself up reading the label on her can of chewing tobacco...
I climb out of my sunroof. I mean its kind of embarrassing but part of me feels awesome and ninja like.
Don't pass out before midnight like you did last year. See how much your year sucked
20 yrs from now I just want to barge in her house and yell at her kids, "I took ur moms virginity!"
grilled cheese. we just shotgunned grilled cheese.
if there weren't so many witnesses I 100% wouldve punted that squirrel
You're cordially invited to the love nest for alcoholic and aquatic adventures. Also known as an all expense paid trip to my pool, alcohol, and vagina.
Who would have guessed that her hair would be so flammable
I had a moment while I was smoking where I was looking at these palm trees and I knew how dr Seuss came up with his characters.
All I want is to get as high as I did that time I started hallucinating that my brother was becoming a monkey and I saw my mum on every surface of your room.
I actually haven't slept with anyone in a while. I think my whore phase is just seasonal.
i got home safe but then alex started a fire so now we're at the hospital
This drink tastes like mosquito repellent.
I promised her I would shit on your driveway. There's nothing that you or I can do about it now.
He’s disease free and drives a Porsche. What else does a girl need?
Randomize
