Found a waterbottle filled with a bloody mary in my purse this morning. Blacked-out me is always trying to help hungover me, it's so cute.
One of my students just said I have "big mommy parts". Even third graders know that my tits are too big. God I love em.
Best morning ever. I saw a bum giving another bum a blowjob downtown.
Hangovers were designed by God when he decided that so far he had taken it WAY TOO EASY on me.
I only want to make out with him. Unless I get hungry. In that case I will take him home and screw him as a distraction from eating.
I know how to say Yes, No, and Your Mother's Vagina. So almost fluent.
I'm hoping that by this time next year we will be smoking some weed at a gay wedding, asking "Mitt who?"
She's on her way over to shave my year round sweater vest into a festive argyle sweater vest. Keeper?
I think Facebook knows you fucked me. All of a sudden I get everything you do in my news feed.
I'm going to miss recovering from hangovers on the beach. Rolling around in my dorm bed and watching Friends reruns is just gonna feel like slumming it.
I feel awkward giving career advice while naked
I feel like David Hasselhoff when he's drunk eating that cheeseburger and crying. But with cheesecake.
A unicorn in pinstripe pants just got on the J at Dolores stop. It can only be a good night
They both showed up at the same time... to surprise me. One had flowers and the other had chocolates. Needless to say, I will be at the bar all weekend long trying to figure out how this happens.
One of your 'guests' left her bra in the kitchen.
Dude, does it look like any of the women I bring home wear bras?
Randomize
