he has cookie breath... dont trust fat people.
Hate sex is AWESOME! I faked it, and when she fell asleep i came in her purse.
EW EW EW EW THAT PENIS BELONGS TO SOMEONE'S FATHER! THAT PENIS BELONGS TO OUR FRIEND'S FATHER! THAT PENIS HELPED CREATE OUR FRIEND! YOU'RE NOT ALLOWED TO ADMIRE IT!
Just saw ur booking photo. Love that u were already wearing orange. Its like u knew
As I sit on the toilet at 4 am I realize tonight could have gone a lot better
As I'm trying to leave her house she shushes me and puts my hand on her boob, then goes back to sleep. In like 30seconds. What the fuck.
I spy something regrettable...
Oh my god. Stop!! It was one time and I still can't believe it.
Come on kid, foreplay is elementary stuff. It's a vagina, not a sphinx.
Let's put it this way. Mom is bringing me a new shirt and I smell like lube.
It's gonna be like a sexual version of A Christmas Carol in my house in a few days.
Hey, I found that piece of pizza you lost in my bed last night. Never again...
I sucked his dick by a creek, how romantic.
Honestly after an incomprehensible political rant yoga seems like the best option at 2 am
i like coming up with different names when i reference that night. 'the night i got kicked out of the bar', 'the night i escaped from the hospital', 'the night we had that threeway'...
We're going to watch the inauguration and fuck. Or fuck and watch the inauguration, I'm not picky, just get your ass over here by ten.
Randomize
