so i woke up this morning thinking _____ was in bed with me. . .but it was only a half eaten sonic burger
I just woke up to crumpled tissues everywhere. Looks like it was another night filled with tears and semen.
my mom just told me how she used to love having sex while stoned. wtf.
I love how its suddenly "not all about sex" now that he can't get it up
Opportunity cost of getting to econ after a night on the town > marginal benefit of attending class
This whole foot fetish thing is getting out of control. He would rather hold my feet than me after we fuck.
ugh i can't even wear this perfume anymore. it just brings back blurry memories of blowjobs and regret.
Your job is getting in the way of our day drinking. Shots on the hour are not as cool alone.
I would let Bear Grills repel down a waterfall using my dick if I could go to sleep right now.
The funny thing is, we kinda did bring guys home cause you had a fort...
I will always make you feel special and slightly offended. That's my job.
someone cut his neck open pretty bad with a broken beer bottle. We were so close to his house that we carried him home, but when we got there he casually laid on his bed and said he was just gonna sleep it off. WHO DOES THAT
I bought a vibrating wall dildo with my tax return. You?
Please remind me next time not to call the ex who cheated on me to cry about the ex who forgave me for putting him in prison. It would be much appreciated.
I need to stop being so honest when I'm drunk. I got proposed to by a stranger again last night. It's not my fault that I would be perfectly ok making sandwiches and giving blow jobs for the rest of my life.
Randomize
