You picked a bad night to stay in. ____ caught her hair on fire in ____'s birthday cake.
She had to stop drop and roll while two other girls beat the flames out. She might have a black eye
Oh this totally just became legit. My "boss" is puking outside my car right now. I win again.
Come see our sink grown plant.
Whoever put the tambourine in the dryer is a douche. Worst hangover wakeup ever
i just called. the lady was really nice. something tells me my schools clinic gets a lot of calls about chlamydia
I meant to tell you earlier: bad life decision saturday has been moved wednesday this week
If I can't pick up a cat lady, I probably need to turn to Internet dating.
Just met another girl you fucked but this time in seattle. Your cock gets almost as much mileage as jet blue. Anaheim and seattle both say hi, figured you don't remember their names.
But seriously, I hug most of my drug dealers.
Life just isn't the same without him waking me up at 4 in the afternoon with a look of pity on his face...
I woke up to realize my keys were on the front porch. Also so was I. So close yet so far
Like a gentleman I waited until you were done vomming to start my Big Mac.
According to my Fitbit I was passed out in my car for 2 hours after she got us kicked out of the bar
I'm so sorry to hear about your grandmother. Also how many grams are in an eighth?
The only thing I remember about us having sex is yelling at him to choke me.
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