I wish I could punch you in the face.
I would say the hottest chick there looked like Susan Boyle and the ugliest like Bea Arthur
Nice use of current day folklore
oh great. the only prospects for sex left for the night are douchebag in the ed hardy shirt & frodo-looking ass
fuck it... i'll be the lord of his rings
She told me that she faked her orgasm. Does she think I care??
I just had a heart to heart with a stripper I'm becoming a dentist.
Last night after the bar I went home and ate a pulled pork sandwich in a bubble bath
Let's get weird.
It's 10 am...
I'm assuming that means you're not busy...
I don't need you anyway! I have puppies and booze!
I wish I'd realized he looked like Skrillex before I was already in the middle of fucking him...
I found you in the bathroom. You were sitting cross-legged on the floor wearing nothing but socks completely surrounded by broken crayons.
Just used my flashlight app to find a gummy lifesaver I dropped on the floor
I like how you're utilizing your resources
I'm more worried that you thought licking a pole on Bourbon street would turn me on
He said I was doing well, so I stopped mid blow job to compliment his grammar. You could say I like intellectuals
Also so weird my phone cracked after I repeatedly threw it at the ground as hard as possible
Going through his web history. 10 hours ago he searched "how to put on condom with your teeth" I think I'm getting it tonight.
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