I mean, it really isn't YOUR car until you have sex in it.
when i was ordering pizza, the guy muffled the phone but i could clearly hear him say "its that drunk bitch again"
i just realized that the oil change sticker on my windshield is a day before the last time i had sex. I've driven exactly 10500 miles since.
you need to get laid.. and an oil change.
I just wanted to let you know I just licked gravy off of my boobs. Just putting that out there.
i have my own cum on my nose right now. don't talk to me about "embarrassed".
Just traded the drive-through guy at BK a Dos Equis for a Hershey pie before noon... win?
I flashed some kids doing a church car wash. I feel like I really improved the quality of their lives.
She's on her way over to shave my year round sweater vest into a festive argyle sweater vest. Keeper?
I just realized I donated our bong to goodwill.. RIP Kimbo Slice
You suck, She hit so hard.
It's like the dark age of my sex life being stuck here
I think she tried to suffocate me with her tits...she almost succeeded.
Of course that's what I'm wearing. I need to find a beard to mount and ride STAT.
She did NOT find it funny to come upstairs to find me with the word "MISERY" written on my forehead in magic marker and the label to the vodka bottle replaced with a scrap of paper taped around that says "COMPANY"
you asked if you could borrow my vagina for the night
My mom is worried I'm not eating enough protein so she's sending me 48 cans of tuna. That's not a typo.
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