Things on my life to do list: hold a pound of marijuana. Check.
Im mastering the way to pass gas silently.
Is she bent over a couch yet or did daylight savings time throw off her usual schedule?
If her picture on my phone wasn't mostly of her breasts, I'd never pick up the phone when she calls.
i had the all of mcdonalds chanting USA as he motorboated you
please dont ever try to drink horizontally again. I thought I was going to have to give you cpr
HOLY SHIT HE'S TRYING TO EAT HIS FOOT. THIS IS THE BEST DAY OF MY LIFE.
I can't drink with the moms anymore. All they talk about is lactating.
Aaaand the winner of the worst decision of Sunday night goes to me as I pull up to his house in my lingerie.
He is more interested in finding his sweater than he is in having sex with me. It better be a great fucking sweater.
Look, if this is a cop, just lemme know that Mike is ok. Fuckin all star game
I think I broke my toilet with my head. There are ceramic pieces everywhere. and I might still be drunk.
Yes we can sext. I'm taking my socks off.
I forgot that I'm high because of how high I am.
We were peeing side by side on the riverbank together and I felt like nothing brings you closer than drunken riverbank urinating so I caught her a friendship frog to wipe with since we left the tp in the canoe.
Randomize
