it's taking a lot of effort to be mature and not reply to her with like a video of bestiality porn
you could play connect the dots with the people ive fucked in this room
Do you remember calling me and dedicating a shot to me?
He knows my period schedule but not my work schedule.
I think he pocket dials me so much because I'm in his phone as 'Air Mattress'
Dedicating my hangover to whoever the hell I hooked up with in the bathroom last night.
just kidding, dedicating it to the gods of mexican food. omnomnom
last karaoke night = doing dmx songs with a guy who threatened to stab me. so yeah I'm coming out.
He made me keep his swollen nut cold with frozen bags of peas while rubbing his tummy because he said I had no choice.
Jk. Anyone who everbeers with me is my type.
Last thing I ever expected to say, "Get your finger out of my ear or I will stop sucking your dick."
pretty sure I just got a "sorry I have a new boyfriend" blow job. Confused, but totally ok with it.
Holy. Fuck. This mans mouth is magical. I love married men. I don't have to teach them.
i hate going to her parties because i always know everyone there which means everyone knows my ex which means i wont get laid
The last thing I remember is talking to the firefighter next to me and he was giving me fruit.
I managed all three standard threesome configurations a female-bodied person can achieve in just under nine years. I want to high-five everyone involved, but I've lost touch with a couple of them
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